I’m Not Done Changing

By Thursday, November 15, 2018

I have come to an understanding that whatever I write here doesnt’ have to be factually or even philosophically correct — It just needs to reflect what I am feeling. And I think that is something I need to remind myself every time I feel like I should stop writing. 

The combination of anxiety and writing is incredibly toxic. You end up questioning every word and every letter you type. There are times when I am staring at a single comma for half an hour because I am not sure whether I should remove it or keep it. 

When I read some of my old posts on this website, I can’t help but feel jealous of my younger self. I was so much bolder in my writing. I wrote anything and everything with utter honesty — And it reflected in my work. 

But I had a good reason to be bold — Writing was an escape for me then and not a lot of people even read what I was writing. 

Now, things are pretty different. I write for a living and I get paid for it. While I don’t make any money out of this website, a lot of people I personally know read this blog, which deeply triggers my anxiety. I am a heavily guarded person and the idea that anyone who knows me can know exactly what I am going through by reading this website makes me feel scared and vulnerable. 

That is why, I often read every post in my Drafts folder a million times to make sure its not too personal to be published on the world wide web. I know it takes a toll on my writing and some of my best pieces do not see the light of day, but I am willing to pay that price for my sanity. 

As a direct result, in the last few years, I became a different writer altogether and I think it took me a lot of time to accept that. 

I had to remind myself that change isn’t always bad. I will always be evolving and I have to find a way to embrace my new self. The person I am today, will only last for today. 

Tomorrow, I might be a different person altogether. Tomorrow, I might end up believing in things I don’t believe in today — And that’s absolutely okay. 

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  1. Fortunately or not, it's a great coincidence, that I completely resonate with the implicit feelings in your words: "Writing was an escape for me then.." and "..but I am willing to pay that price for my sanity."

    I must commend you for being much bolder than me regarding the former - I've only got bragging rights for journal keeping!

    I don't write much often now, mostly internalising my thoughts and observing other creators, craving for some of my reflections therein. But every now and then, I still whip up some silly poems/opinion-pieces/rants as a humble service to Goddess Sanity :D

  2. By the way, great quote by Mr. Mayer, though!